...a journey of my thoughts...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Implicit Words and Explicit Feelings...

A drop of tear rolled out from my eyes when I said ‘bye’. He remains silent with a polite nod. The sight raised my heartbeat like a tiny flower bursting through soulless concrete. I wished to give him a hug, but withdrawn myself. I was not sure how he would anticipate my deepest longing for his presence and companionship. After a few seconds of brooding silence he carefully put his arm around me and allowed the snuggle.

It was just one hour back I called him.

“Hello”, he answered.
“Hi, how is the day?” I asked.
“Huh…It’s hectic as usual”
“Rohit, can we meet for a last time?”
“Let me see, can’t assure…
will see if I can leave office early”, he replied.
“Ok…call me then…I will wait. Bye”, I disconnected.

Years of friendship… passage of time make a new state of transformation to our relationship… Can I name it ‘LOVE’? Not exactly… I am still not sure whether he loves me or not. Or is that something called ‘LUST’? Whatever it named, there is certainly a special place for him in my heart. May be that’s the reason am still chasing him or the fear of losing him… the fear of rejection… I always wish him to say me 'I love you', but doesn't seems particularly apparent.

One day I talked to him about my insecurity due to his ignorance (knowingly or unknowingly).

“Priya, you are thinking too much… There's nothing like you think. Just leave the topic”, then he started talking as usual, as nothing happened. The day I decided to stop grumble him with my questions. Afterall he is my favourite friend… And I am happy for what he is...

“Priya, what are you thinking?” he interrogated. I was awakened from my thoughts and Rohit was sitting near me.
“Oh..I was just thinking” I answered.
“Thinking what?” he asked.
“Do you really love me?” I wanted to ask him, but kept quiet for a moment and replied, “Nothing”.

These are the few last moments. In five minutes he will leave me. I had a strange feeling in my head, my heart pounded wildly. I said ‘Goodbye’ and kissed his cheek. He willingly let me slide from his arms and allowed me to go. While I walked away, I turned back a moment for him to stop me and call me back.

And at last, all the pictures have been burned. I am going to miss him forever, miss the stories untold, the unsung song of our love, those dryness... But life has to go on...so we too... Dear, hope you dont forget 'us'.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Its pouring and pouring and pouring.....

Wow.... What a climate !!! I love this... Its RAINING now a days... sooo beautiful and healing... as it soothes the spirit. I am one of those people who are hopeless romantic... when I see rain, when I hear it and when I'm in the rain...

Yesterday.... the afternoon was pretty nice... I was talking to a candidate in the office, gentle breeze coming with a sense of earth. I looked out for a while, the harsh sunlight seemed to roll everywhere, shadows of trees swaying to and fro... the scudding clouds made the scene much more dramatic... All came out of a sudden, outside the window I saw, an young boy screaming with his tender voice "Its raining...raining". I couldn't help looking out the sky, where the water sprinkled from the burdened clouds of mournful grey... Its just happened in two minutes... a burst of rain like falling beans... What a day !!!

It was still raining on the way back to my hostel, with my collegue, in his SWIFT... Unlike other days, I asked him to put on the AC to its maximum... We stopped near the roadside YADAV chat and ordered my favourite 'Pani Puri'. Hmmm....Yummy !!!

When we had the spicy 'Chilli Bajji', sitting inside the freezing car, my eyes turned red and I couldn't resist my tears coming out... Oh... It was toooo spicy...

"You are crying!!! Atleast stop eating now", he laughed at me.

"I'm enjoying it",
I said myself and smiled.

I walked all my way to hostel from the bus stop, just to relish the beauty of rain once again. That was the time I realized the allure of the romantic songs playing in my iPod. It matched with the environment perfectly.
"I really miss you here, my love..."

Rain, rain go away... is what most people says...
Rain, rain don't go away... I hope you stay... is what I wish.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


Seeing the sea, the truth of rankled memories agitated my mind for a moment, the frigid touch of tides sometimes brings the blaze of past to me, like everyone. The glitters of uncalled days.... I saw the names written in sand, the ocean waves washes it away, but just for that moment it was there. Even the sea has a lot to tell.....memories of happiness and griefs of many.

Remembrance seems a complete anathema to most people when it brings back those flash from the past. It was fun, it was crazy and it was joyous. But now it is a swearing remark of those days...Like the woe of fallen angels or the misfortune of ripened leaves...

After a long time, today I thought to write something in my blog as I didn't feel to sleep even at 1:30 AM. After the hectic journeys of last week, I certainly wished for a break, physically and psychologically. Moreover, my heart yearned for the vast horizons of peace, a state of calm, either to gain my gayness or to find a way of living with God. The harder I tried, the lesser it happened. I felt myself dropped in an ocean midway and expect to swim my way through. It wasn't easy for me to stop fighting with my thoughts as it has created chaos on the moral level. Sometimes I find my comfort zone in music, sometimes movies, books etc... But I failed to ensure that comfort level to my spiritual being. Slowly, after a few days I decided the new routine of thinkings, tried to lighten the burden of judgments.
Smile Always: My new discovery... Smile, even though we are hooked to the most melancholic situation. When I started practice this, my soul filled with a child-like enthusiasm. That experience was new to me.

Stop Prejudice: With me it's all about deep-seated prejudices and emotional connections. However, in some instances obtaining consent may be difficult. But the calamity is that, it will drag us to the utterly boundless myths.

Let the other person also save his face: Finally, you must allay the concerns to say SORRY when required. Its about giving respect to others. Its about thinking the best of others and evaluate yourselves.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Love your job???

Does Management know their Staff?

On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing.

He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"
The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?"

Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is your 3 months salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".
The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight.

Noticing a few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company".
He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?"

To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir....!"

Yet Again.... Cost Cutting

Now it is a period of global economic slow down,commonly mentioned as 'recession'.I would say, it is an agressive reason or excuse for the organization to terminate even its high-spirited employee.

Let me give you some tips here.

1. Love your work, not your company

2. Be loyal to your family, not to your CEO or the BOSS

3. Think about your future and growth, not your organization's

4. During high time, your CEO will say, "Great work guys, keep it up. Its your company". At the time of crisis, he will say "What the f**k you guys are doing here, better buckle down. This is my company."

5. Dare to join the company who pays you well, without thinking of the fate of company

6. Make more money and for that keep jumping companies for every 2 yrs
(Seriously, am not joking... :-) )

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Innocent Victims of Cupid...

Love Hurts???
I must have cried a million tears when I lost my 'first love'. The best part is, it is not my 'Love' that hurts me, but my 'perception' made me cry all the time. 'Love' is such a powerful word, which often people misuse it. It can be filled with imagery that paints a beautiful but sometimes dark canvass which express feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, and loss which follow a failed relationship. This is the 'Cost of Love'.

Last year I saw an incident of a planned suicide by a 'love jodi'. The scene of their cold body in the railway track really has made me in a funk. What drifted them to do that??? I immersed in thoughts, the reasons it seems, their parents didn't allow for their marriage, or the girl is pregnant and coward to disclose it and so on....But I miserably failed to uphold those reasons. Why didn't they think about their parents, who has struggled to brought them up with good education and the standard of living. They had families to feed and dreams to fulfill. Why did they just think about their love rather than their parent's ??? Realize it atleast now, Marriage is not the ultimate goal.
PS : 'Death' - a solution of your problems???

Why do you suddenly feel so out of place when it hurts? For the moment, it may even feel like that you're never going to emerge from your sadness. When you see yourself lost, try to think from the other point of view. The fact is, there are certain things we don’t really see. We don't really know the burden people are carrying within. We refuse to forgive the people who have hurt us, because we do not believe they deserve to be forgiven. It's "Mind Magic".

Listen, you are never hurt alone. The other person also might have the pain, in one way or other. Walk in Lord and trust him for all things. Its not easy, I know, but it is truly a blessing when we do. Try Try !!! The success of love is in the loving - it is not in the result of loving. I believe that the cause of this plague of pain is our very own selfishness.

Every flower tells a story...
There was a bee, let me name him Bobby, lived in a hive in a tree and every day went out to gather nectar from the flowers around his home. He loved yellow flowers. All summer long he buzzed from one flower to another collecting nectar and taking it back to the hive. The master bee one day said him, "Bobby, I'm proud of you, you bring us more nectar than any of the other bees." "Thanks, Its my pleasure. I love my work." Bobby replied.

And he did. There was nothing Bobby loved more than the scent of beautiful yellow flowers. But one day autumn came. The leaves turned gold and red and brown and began to fall from the trees. The days grew cooler and shorter. And when Bobby went to his favourite field, the yellow flowers were gone. He flew to the other fields where he'd had so much fun, only to find all the yellow flowers gone. He flew around the park, and the people's gardens. There were pink flowers and red ones, orange ones and white ones, but no yellow ones. Bobby settled on the ground sad and exahusted, and started to cry.
After a while a wise old wasp landed next to him.
"What's wrong?" asked the wasp.
Bobby told him about the yellow flowers all being gone.
"Hmmmm", the wasp thought for a while, then he offered some advice.
"There are two things you can do. Firstly, if you really must need yellow flowers, there are some on the other side of the mountain. I went there once when I was a boy. But be warned, it's a long and difficult flight. It'll take two days at least to get to the other side."
Bobby listened carefully. He felt relieved that he could still find yellow flowers, but a little scared because he'd never stayed away from his hive overnight before.
"Or", continued the wasp, "you could try one of the other colour flowers, pink ones or red or orange or white. If you don't like them, there's nothing lost, but perhaps you'll find them nearly as nice as yellow. It's your choice." Bobby thought for a while then said, "perhaps I'll try red."
"Follow me," said the wasp, "I know some very good red flowers not far from here.
Together they flew to the red flowers. Bobby was nervous at first, but soon he found the red flowers just as good as the yellow. In fact they were even better, because they were different.

"There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with." -- Harry Crews

Dont just think 'love' as an emotion. It's a process which never ends. Love is Father, Mother, Children, Personal etc. When you see darkness, and no light shines through your eyes, remember to leave the place where the smoke blows black. Bask in the light of your spirit and anticipate for the warmth of our bright and faithful sun after the dark dawn. You cry and cry, because you're touched so deep inside, It's a matter of time before normalcy returns, but you will again fall in love sooner or later....with all your mind, all your spirit, and with all your very heart. "Live the Love"

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Castles in the Air...

My friends say, that I am a person who finds solace in dreams. Yes, I am (they are not wrong), but not always. When I want to stay happy, I dont depend on anyone or anything, but my dreams... with the boundaries I built for myself. Sometimes I love to dream, sometimes I hate, when it vigorously push me into the infinte loop of thoughts. Oh, I hate it!! Low thinking is the motto of "happiness".

What exactly is happiness and what can engender it? People when they think of happiness, they think about them to having good feeling inside. It depends on various factors; family, love, work, drugs, sex etc...our rational capacity, should help us recognize and pursue what will lead to happiness and the good life. Scientific studies says that Genes and circumstances equally contribute to a person's happiness at any moment. Genes do this by setting the production and release of the neurotransmitter dopamine,taking chemicals around the brain, controls the nervous system. These chemicals in the brain make us happy and sad.

Whatever....Happiness is like being sad or angry? It's an emotion. This emotion can be metaphorically compared with expressions such as, the sun shining through the rain and the "silver lining behind the dark cloud". These expressions capture the optimistic outlook of happiness, they symbolize hope of a bigger, better and brighter future even in the midst of misery.

One of my friend said, the way to happiness is "unconditional love," love without expecting anything back, giving the freedom to each other which even you dont cherish for yourselves.
Please suggest: "Can anyone love with no condition at all?, Did you ever?," and "Do you give all the freedom to the one you love?". The poet Christopher Marlowe in the poem "The Passionate Shepherd to His Love" displays his affection for his love by telling her that he will give her anything in the world if she would just be with him, and love him. "If she would be with him and.....", again thats a condition, isn't it? "Unconditional love" is, as the logicians say, a self-contradiction. If the mother love her son/daughter unconditionally, then why do they feel bad when their children send them to old-age homes? Simple! Because they expect that love in return. Husband loves his wife because she takes care of him and his children, am I wrong?

Well, I am not against unconditional love, but it doesn't mean as it termed."Unconditional love" is the limited conditions in love, it is compromises and adjustments, but not the acceptance of each and every shoe pinch. Afterall, we are just human beings !!!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

~Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache~

I saw her in the chappal,particularly for them by the retreat centre.She gazed out the window,self-consciously adjusting the straps of her shirt.Her smooth hair cascaded naturally on her back.She was looking down the road,gloomy and desperate.

That’s why her mother took her to the retreat centre. The little girl was born with HIV. Her mother (who had AIDS) was probably secretive about her own health status. If she had accepted the medication that she and her daughter needed to live, her neighbors might have come after them both and her parents might have thrown her out. Her daughter wouldn’t have been allowed to go to school or play with the other children in her neighborhood. Her husband, who was working in Gujarat, married someone else, left them for his new life. But, It’s foolish, really; her daughter is just a little girl, she realized and started medication. As anticipated, her neighbors came to know about this and demanded them to leave the village.

The Retreat Ministry is based on the spiritual traditions, believes that justification is by faith alone, evolved into a Home of Love in the providence of God. Currently, there are about 3,000 people living permanently here, because they have nowhere else to go. The trust created a separate world for the AIDS patients, houses to stay, food and medication facilities, schools for AIDS children, playground etc.

Few months back, I attended a convention here in the retreat centre. End of the day, they want all of us to visit their charitable trust. Thats how I met the little girl in the chappal.
"What happened, Why are you looking so sad?"
She looked at my eyes and asked "Who are you?"
"Oh, I came for the convention here, What's your name?"
"Aleena" She said.
"Why Aleena standing alone here while the others are playing in ground?"
"My amma (mom) is not feeling well," She replied.
"What happened to her?"
She struggled with her emotions to reply, "We are AIDS patients, from 2 days my mother is suffering from high fever and cough".
I was taken aback hearing this.
"Dont worry dear, pray to God, everything will be alright," I uttered.
She started telling me her story. Yet what really impressed me was, her faith in God and perseverance, which transcend all the hurdles in her way. She studying in 5th standard, wished to become a Doctor.
"All the best," I said.
"Please pray, I am afraid, I should be alive till then right?" She replied with a pale look at me, which faded my smile away. The moment, I realized her pain's underlying value. Are they not part of this beautiful world???

Her problem of pain will have no ultimate solution until God recreates the earth. May be he is waiting, gathering the armies of good. We shall not all sleep, but we will all be changed-in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye. Then God will create for us a new, incredible world. And pain shall be no more.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Wedding Bells...

At 5am, the door to my bedroom opens up, the lights get flicked on and my mom said "It's your wedding day!" Honestly, excitement didn't come over me at this point, I didn't get much sleep the night before, I was anxious, but I woke up feeling energized and totally relaxed. After the shower I ate breakfast with my mom and then started preparing for the big event. I went to the room where I met my bridemaid. I started with the make-up and hair styling. She helped me to put my dress on and gave a beautiful boquet with fresh floral flowers and golden dried ones. She did a wonderful job! When I've done with my dressing I began to get emotional. That's when it seemed real. This was it. "I am getting married". The whole morning just flew seeing all my relatives and friends and, the photo shoot. I feel like a princess in the fairy tale. Waiting for that extraordinary moment of walking down the aisle.

11am- It's time to go church. It was raining on my wedding day. We drove to the church. When I entered the church with my father holding my hand, everything seemed ready. It was breathtakingly beautiful. Hundreds of whisperingly lit candles set off a romantic glow to the usually plain and normal church. I was told by the usher to sit in the bridal chair. "Dear God, Be with me". A moment of prayer. The flower girls were seated beside me. The consort, my love came and seated in the chair next to me facing the altar. I remember those who have tried this and failed before us, I prayed we never fall. All I was, looking the cross in the altar and prayed to the almighty. The church ceremony started, the vows and then the witness or hymns of music. It lasts for an hour and we sent for the photoshoot, then reception. "My marriage is over" I couldn't believe. The church bells rung when we emerge from the church after the ceremony. The sound of the bells are supposed to drive away evil spirits and thereby ensuring the couples good fortune. Symbolically the task is over, the bride and groom now became husband and wife. In the end am in his arms, only a heartbeat away. He smiled at me which vanished my anxiety away.